……CONTINUATION FROM THE FORMER POST….
The third lesson I learnt was that “I GET AS MUCH AS I GIVE”. Love is a two way traffic; I GIVE AND I RECEIVE. Most of the time, I was a stay-at-home mom with ambitions to become a corporate “man” in my latter years when the kids were all grown up but he was the corporate superman and our breadwinner- the dad to my kids. He never complained no matter how many bills he had to pay, he met all our needs and those of the homestead singlehandedly. Most importantly, he always came home with either a bar of chocolate or at least a sweet (she insisted on calling them PATCOS) just for me and made sure I got them when the kids were asleep because “his queen is not supposed to share her rewards”. I learnt not to complain and to give back in my own little way. I never let the children welcome him home; it was always me he would meet at the door-it became my duty and the children understood it so. I served (and cooked) his food, I took his water to the bathroom, and I washed his cloths even with the house help present. I cooked his favorite dishes often, I stayed up late with him and woke up earlier than him to prepare his breakfast. He was my KING and I let him know it through my actions.
The fourth lesson should have been my first but I learnt it abit late, when I almost lost him: WHEN YOU MAKE HIM YOURS, EVERYBODY ELSE TAKES A SIDE PEDDLE. He is the one dominating your life now, every thought has to have him as part of your considerations, he is the center of your life and he is the crowned king…and everybody else should know that and respect him as much. All your other friends (mostly the male) are a little irrelevant now and you should let them know that as soon as you can. You are no longer at liberty to do what you used to do with them: no flirts, no parties, and no suggestive hang outs. He is the man in your life, give him that. All other men should peddle away and those that remain should know their place. Make sure they do. Not everybody is meant to stay in your life, learn from them, have fun while it lasts but when THE MAN comes in and gets comfortable, kick out all the rest. Men are jealous and they can’t handle competition on what they deem as their rightful territory.
The fifth lesson came in unexpectedly: WE ALL HAVE BAGGAGE WE HAVE DRAGGED ALONG WITH US FOR TOO LONG. We all have a history, a story to tell; both positive and negative. When I least expected it (because to me he was perfect, blemishless) he unloaded himself. He said a lot. I let him talk. I listened and said nothing. At first I was shocked but then I realized that we are all humans: it is easy for women to open up to people but it takes courage, trust and effort for a man to open up. You must give him a reason to let you into their heart, to download their baggage into your system, to open that window where they let you walk through their life without fear of ridicule or condemnation. They must trust you enough to know that you will still hold them in esteem and treat them with respect even after you know their weaknesses, phobia and fetish. That you will still be there and be friends with that little boy that still lives deep within him.
The sixth lesson was a bit hard to buy into. It took me several years to master it but then, I became the happiest girl in the world when I did. FORGIVENESS IS THE PILLER OF ANY RELATIONSHIP. It is not optional to forgive because we are all humans with a lucid capacity to error. If you cannot forgive- and forget for that matter (yes forgetting is not an option too), you have no business starting a relationship- not even with yourself! We are all bound to err in one way or another but we also need each other to live. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was right or justified, it means that we can make peace with ourselves and with the other party and together we can amend what happened and move on, satisfied and happy with each other. It takes a lot of strength to do this but it is worth it. Hating the person you love, calling them names or even going mute on them will not help your relationship in anyway, at the very best, it will worsen the situation as it is. Facing the situation and talking about it will. This is the hardest thing that couples HAVE to master to do as it has the last word on whether your relationship will or will not suffice and whether the two of you are both happy and comfortable in it.
F.O.R.G.I.V.E.N.E.S.S. + D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. = A long lasting relationship even with nothing else to spice it up.
Through it all, I have learnt that submission does not equate to weakness: it equates to each of the two partners treating each other with absolute reverence, caring for each other’s needs and rarely thinking about “I” before thinking about “him/her”. Love is being your partners best friend, protector (women may not have the physical strength but they have the power to build or destroy their husband’s character, attitude, name and ultimately his life), companion, strength, shield and pillar of strength. Love is being able to accept your partner as they are and growing with them towards what they want to be, respecting their desires and wishes and helping them to overcome their weaknesses with understanding and patience. Love is appreciating one another, both with our past and present. Love is living harmoniously with an imperfect person and accepting them with all their flaws and excellences and learning to live with them. Love is HAVING AN IMPERFECT PERSON LEAD AN IMPERFECT BUT HAPPY LIFE WITH YOUAND MAKING IT FEEL LIKE YOU OWN THE WORLD….because amidst fights and quarrels, you are happy they are with you.”
That was her life; feel free to share what is left out below….